Baby Got Bacon

The United States of America is perhaps one of the most unique countries on the planet. We have been bombing someone somewhere for over sixty continuous years, we have the highest incarceration rates in the western world, a woman who hunts wolf cubs from a helicopter was almost elected Vice President, and our country was unapologetically built on the backs of African slaves and lands of slaughtered natives. And if anybody bitches about it, we bury them in a flood of partisan talk and the occasional JDAM. What a marvelous place to live!

The American Dream is a thing of near mythical proportions. For some, it's to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and become richer than anyone could possibly imagine. For others, its simply to have a roof over their head and amenities like clean water. Some come here looking for a new start to life, to break free from their native land and all its burdens and begin anew in the land of opportunity. For me, it's to make everything taste like bacon. Enter Justin and Dave, who share the American dream of me and many other men. They have done what so many millions have dreamed of and invented the greatest condiment ever: Baconnaise.

Baconnaise is exactly what it sounds like: bacon that you can spread like mayonnaise. And if that weren't all-inclusive enough it is vegetarian safe and certified kosher like Baconnaise's older brother, Bacon Salt (comes in three flavors). The website even offers delicious Baconnaise recipes like Baconnaise Deviled Eggs, Macaroni Salad, Fry Sauce (bonus if you use W Ketchup), Caesar Dressing, and the famous No-B-L-T: lettuce, tomato, and Baconnaise. There is also Baconnaise Lite, in case you just came over from Canada and aren't yet used to eating like an American. Oh, and did I mention bacon flavored lip balm? I know that when I'm tenderly kissing my significant other nothing gets me more in the mood than the smell and taste of hickory smoked pork!

Really, this review of the product says it all:

"I am considering nominating Baconnaise as the official sandwich spread of our happy family here, because it seems to me to be everything that is good in the world: bacon, made spreadable. I mean, there are no drawbacks here. There is bacon, and there is mayonnaise, two of the greatest inventions of mankind, coming together in holy matrimony."— Anne Fitzgerald, Elastic Waist

America: A land where the sacred institution of marriage now includes bacon and mayonnaise. I love this country.