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An Involuntary Exercise In Masochism
Have you ever just wanted to make your mind shut the fuck up for a second? I know I have, especially as of late. I think about love far too much. Relationships I sort of think I would want but when I think about it more it just seems too weird to ever be feasible. Peculiar attractions I feel yet could never hope to explain. What other people think love is, and why so few people my age feel it. Without even knowing it I will drift away to that old tired thought of "is there anybody out there?"
Back in middle and high school, when most people started dabbling in their various attractions and asking their peers to this dance or to see that movie, I didn't. I never felt that impulse. Ever. Not until this past summer did I really begin longing for anything resembling a surrogate half, a significant other, whatever you want to call it. Talk about being a fucking late bloomer. So here I am, the college student with zero relationship experience. I sure do know what I want, and I want to go after it so desperately, but I have no idea on how to go about getting it. Like, none. I get all these compliments about writing so well and crafting great arguments and having an old soul thrown at me, but all that seems horribly undermined by one frustratingly underdeveloped part of my personality. Other people are well-rounded, why not me?
A friend of mine with his own romantic woes pointed out the other day that any time either one of us talks about love, we get terribly depressed. "We should probably stop," he says to me. And I try--believe me, I try--but without even knowing it I will drift away to thoughts of a wedding in the sky, and two people growing old together with not a care in the world but each other. I know it only remedies the symptom and not the illness, and I would dearly love for the illness to be gone, but in these tides of emotional exhaustion I'll take what I can get. Brain, would you be so kind as to shut the fuck up for a minute and give me some peace?
36 Manifestos:
And dearest BBC, don't say anything childishly misogynistic about empire builders or your right hand being all the love you need. I mean, honestly, what the fuck? Have you ever maybe considered women aren't your problem, maybe you're your problem?
Fill your heart with hate. That's what I did.
It was easy for me as I had a face to equate the hate. Lousy (literally) bitch can rot in hell for all I care.
You need a hobby. I suggest blogging.
By the way, my son loves your avatar.
I honestly don't know how I got through high school. I was 'in love' with some girl or other -- almost entirely from afar -- for the entire five years. (Note: back then in Ontario, high school included Grade 13.) I was a frustrated mass.
University changed things. Gone were the cliques,the dominant males, and the foreshortened horizons. Everything opened up: minds included.
Love's gonna find you, son.
You'll know heartache
Still more crying
When you're thinking of your mother's only son
Take to your bed
You say there's peace in sleep
But you'll dream of love instead
Oh the heartache you'll find
Can bring more pain than a blistering sun
But oh when you fall
Oh when you fall
Fall at my door...
I have some more words of advice for BBC... and young people.
My mind doesn't shut up either, ever... It goes on and on (but not about love, or being in love - thankfully)
And yes, I wish for it to shut up for awhile most of the time!
While I'm on the subject of the man with the million dollar arm, this one is for Omar.
When are we going to blog together again, brother? Woozie is too cowardly to give me the keys...
As for your suffering Woozie, the reality is that you are blessed like me!
Like you, I did not get it in high school. And by "it" I mean nookie... at least on a regular. Of course I finished HS when I was 16. What is your malfunction?
But I also mean the associated baggage that Sir Boogaloo mentions: clicks and conventions and what not. Bother!
Anyway, the important thing was that I used College for the same thing everyone does... to figure out what I really want, while experiencing and generating many fine orgasms as many times as possible (some hundreds... I neglected to count).
Then I found her in grad school... my first love. But she was OCD, and erupted into a sort of catastrophic breakdown. You see I had postponed my dreams of finality so long due to the jolly screwing, and imprinted like some three-day-duck on a defective momma.
Then came a couple of not-so-profound rebounds. Then I met my wife, still quite clearly the love of my life. But even still I needed to shake off some hanger's on and clear my throat, if you will... and you will.
Now life is a merry-go-round, emphasis on "go!".
Dude. Jump in the foooookin water. How else are you gonna learn? Stop being morose. Make some mistakes. Wear a condom and insist on the same.
I'd say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but your differently inclined I take it. How about, don't do anything Uno would not do... uh no that's not it.
How 'bout this:
Don't do anything you wouldn't do, even if you were out of your mind. But do something you might do if your mind shut the fuck up.
u need a strong and xperienced woman about now, one who can sho u the ways of pussy n such a way u realize it's just hole-pluggin and pussy aint all that.
coming out with the famblee will also free u up n some significant way -- free u to fall in love smartly or recklessly.
anyway yes, one does want a somebodee on hand to call for an ambulance when the time comes..
Redtube
I used to feel that desperation... Oh wait, maybe I still do. Never had a proper relationship in my life. Whatever it is, Woo, get out there at the first opportunity. Leap! and the net will appear :))
[Btw, my country makes male citizens start college (if they qualify) two years after females. This means most guys in the university would be 2 or more years older than the girls, and hopefully more matured. You have no idea what other strategies my government sneakily employs to increase marriage & birth rate among uni graduates.]
lol, the things people say late in the evening........oh lordee
the song is from joan armatrading; like robyn hitchcock, she's recommended
Oh my dear Woozie, i know where youre coming from! I didnt have any sort of relationship with anyone until I turned 25. In HS i wasnt ready. In Uni, I wasnt interested. Then when I WAS ready and interested, i had no fucking clue whàt to do! How to meet someone? How to handle it? Etc. Etc.
Know what I did? I took the plunge, made a dating profile online, chatted and then met some people. I decided to just do it and see what happens, have fun, and enjoy the process. The brain never shuts up, but your body can act regardless! Just do it.
i think you have spring fever.
delete this
ha ha ha
woozmeister, rachel is right.
u prollee know jp & i met in an internet forum hosted my the advocate and for the better part of a year knew each other only as texts.
i'm not gonna say we won't ever break up --it could happen next year or next week, fate is strange-- but i don't regret the day he drove down from iowa. well at least not on the days i don't wanna strangle him.
point is, we're all really connected these days, and things can happen now that would have been unlikely just a little while ago. the alienation factor can be nullified or overridden with keyboards. then you graduate to the phone and something else begins to happen. then you meet and something else happens. or it doesn't...
i can tell you this. the clock tends to run faster for gay men than it does for heteros. so come on dollie mae, there's no time to stall.
WWJD?
I can't decide if you're hopelessly romantic or hopelessly naive in wanting to find everlasting love so early on in your oh so very young life. When I was your age I was an angry and confused individualist that really wanted nothing to do with long term relationships, but they always found me anyway. Once bound, I would go out of my way to sabotage every aspect of the relationship until they would break-up with me. Unfortuanetly that would take about 2 years. Why won't miserable girls pull the plug? Was I really all that? Looking back on it, I'd certainly say not. I wouldn't have put up with me. Every two years, a new one. Linda, Valerie, Mary Pat, Marina, Fabian (a doctor from Bermuda!), Myrna, Geraldine (her I married. big mistake), Michelle. It's an embarrassingly long list of failure, but at the time I didn't care. Join me in my gloom. You'll love it. For 24 months anyway. Trust me. The odd thing is I remain friendly with every one of them. Why is that? Don't ask me. One of the many mysteries of womanhood I guess. Now, since the age of 36, I have enjoyed a partnership of the most wonderful kind. We will celebrate our 10th anniversary together this coming November. It is wonderful and I am very happy. It took me a very long time to discover that true happiness resides in making someone else happy. Life is beautiful, but very short. In the words of Kanye West, "Drive slow, homey".
Thimscool: The difference between myself and leslie is that I try not to pick fights or raise simple disputes to stellar heights. That's called maturity. Leslie seems, at least to me, to take pride in unnecessary conflict. That's called immaturity.
That's called "combative".
Debating what is and isn't necessary is like debating the ultimate Beatles song. Utterly pointless and totally subjective.
Possessing a decent vocabulary and a sharp mind does not make you a genius. Don't let your 18-year old ego get in the way of sound wisdom. That's immaturity.
Since nearly every response of yours is colored with "savor the clit" "bitch" or some other childishly misogynistic BS, dare I say there might be more than one common denominator between you and BBC besides your inability to get laid?
Oh man, that was a gem, yeah?
Me and Foo Foo are both LOL-ing.
Good. I'm glad you liked it. I'm all about making people happy, you know. ;-)
Who me?
I was talking about my own comment.
Omar stop making fun of my dog. She's a fucking star. Perhaps you missed her on the Today Show. Here's her head shot.
Jesus, get that tartar build up looked after. Her breath must be dreadful, yeah?
I meant, you quoted me above saying something I did not say...
But it is clear from context that you were referring to our host.
Oh. Nevermind. You just copied and pasted.
I'll shut up now.
mary, u are a hot 45-yr old and i have a favor to ask. would you mind coming down here and fucking the beejeezus out of leslie so he-she-it will relax and quit hijacking threads? if not, do u have bbc's phone number?
Have you seen what she finds attractive? I'm afraid I don't make a very good 'Jethro'. However, given the appropriate accoutrements I do make a stunning Stevie Nicks, if that's more to her fancy!
There we go. Wow! I think I'd do me!
!LOL!
this calls to mind more hitchcock:
Sometimes I wish I were a pretty girl
So i could wreck myself in the shower
Everyone: Thank you for your kind words and sensitivities; rest assured I did read/watch them all and as I (apparently failed to) allude to in the post I do intend on jumping in. At this point it's a matter of how to jump in (how to go about doing it in person, do I really want a dating site profile, etc.), can I perform (and no I don't mean sexually for fuck's sake), and can I deal with the inevitable rejection? I love making people happy, so naturally I don't love it when my attempts to make someone happy make them upset. Apparently though, rejection is like getting arrested. Once you're in the back of the police car, you stop worrying about how things'll turn out. Or something like that.
Leslie: You can be eager to fight with people and I can be eager to punch bigoted Christians in the face but the immaturity/maturity aspect comes into play when you do or don't choose to act on your impulses.
I don't recall ever saying or implying I was a genius. All I did was run off a short list of things people say about me, most of which I don't believe. Please don't put words in my mouth.
If you bothered to kind of get to know me you would know that I'm no sexist. So I call people bitches and cunts? Your point? I call people niggas, crackas, whores, dickfaces, towelheads, kikes, carpet munchers, cocksuckers, lardasses, anorexics; point is I will call anybody anything. If me saying bitch means I hate women, then apparently I hate black people, white people, prostitutes, Muslims, Jews, the ugly, the lesbian, the gay, and the sufferers of eating disorders.
And forgive me if my eyes deceive me, but did you just compare my desire for a soulmate to something as trivial as wanting a hole to stick my dick in? Since I'm apparently not allowed to call you a bitch or a cunt, how about a socially retarded and emotionally insensitive jackass? I think that's more appropriate than cunt could ever hope to be.
Aw, dang. By the time I find time to comment, you've already moved on to a new post. It's okay, in light of your last comment to this post, this is what I have to say...
It's a combination of letting things happen naturally (and they will), and knowing when to ignore your fears and go for it... sort of the way you'd do if you were skydiving or streaking. BANZAI!!
Rejection sucks just a little less if you keep in mind that everyone has different tastes. Not being somebody's type doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you; you just don't happen to be compatible with that individual.
Lecture over. ;)
I didn't start getting into anything aproaching a real realtionship wntil I was out of college. It just wasn't the right time for me. It will happen. Howver, if you figure out how to make your brain just shut the fuck up about love, let me know.
(And sepaking of love, I love you for your first comment alone.)
With our people, things are always more difficult. I'm really in no great position to offer you any advice, but here's some anyway: it's a lot easier if you ditch all preconceived notions of what does and doesn't make a relationship. If you spend your life waiting for that person who fits the Hallmark mold, you'll miss out on interesting and meaningful experiences... and isn't that what life's all about anyway?
Omar: He is a hopeless romantic
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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